Percy's Guide to Stuff
by doughreyme
Summary: Or, YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE! Enough said...


**Percy's Guide to "Stuff". Period.**

**---Or, "YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: HANNAH ABBOTT".---**

**---**

**They thought I was gay, but, no, I was never happy. She was the stuff of dreams: Oily, hairy, but dang cute disposition! No wonder she never needed to take a bath!**

**We were betrothed on an island, but thank heavens we didn't marry there. Remember, betrothed means "engaged", and she wanted to engage! Guess what -I- wanted to do!  
**

**But, I was stuck. I should've known she had access to super-glue. Sometimes I thought it was from her eating cotton candy, whenever we went to the local fair. Nah, I think she just loved eating cotton candy, I dunno.**

**You'd think......ANYONE, but HER, but she was a harlot. She had ANYONE, but ME! I was some just desserts for her.**

**I think that's why I fled to the Gobi...No, not Golden Globes...some place in Africa.**

**Though, she kept finding me! And teasing me! And, at one point, tasing me! What's a mild-mannered, handsome, and must I say dashing (away) guy to do?!**

**So, I became a moral leader. I morally hated her, and wished she'd die. But, I was kind enough not to say it to her when she was around. Maybe, just maybe I should've stated it around her worst enemies (witch ones?).**

**It was one day, though, that I realized I drank the wrong drink. I was so good at gambling, but she was catching on, I guess. Those other drinkers sure were dying...........too soon. RATS! No wonder she always brought her own spring bottles to our "meeting"s. I should've known that missery despises company. But, her name wasn't "ery". Case in point.**

**Alright, so I'm going blank, and ****-facing. Aw, screw it....Replace those asterisks with "S-H-I-T", and you'll understand my point.**

**"Nooooooooo!"**

**But, I woke up and was disheveled. She took my pride...and hung it up on a wall. Dagnabit, I really liked that rabbit's foot. I guess that's when my luck began to drain...**

**  
And, uh, please excuse me while I wash my mouth out. I'd like to vomit, but no, that would be called "bulimia".**

**---End of part 1---**

**They used to say, "Anyone, but you!" and point the finger at me. I realized using a laser pointer was much easier. ANYONE, but her! **

**Too bad, she caught on after the third person went blind. I could not shit-face her anymore. She got glasses, basically in the nick of time. **

**Man, I was a walking/talking/living predator hunter! Only, I wasn't so courageous enough to kill her. But, c'mon! One blind eye, and she'd be bumping into walls anytime! I should've known those glasses were shade-tinted.**

**I thought of going blind myself, but I realized she had hands, and they would stray. I think that's why I avoided those ballroom dances...basically I'd pick up a tray, a few glasses, and mosey out of the dance floor. **

**They'd still catch me trying to sneak out. Apparently those waiters had their own personal IDs...I dunno.**

**And, what was my ID? A golden little star sticker for my hand! WTF was wrong with her! Just send me packing to Uranus, and I'd be happier! Or at least, minimally not suicidal.**

**But, yes, it ALWAYS happened during those stupid parties. The lights would dim down, the music would be jazzy, and I'd be freaked for the rest of the night as those....promiscuous...ones (even MEN!) would come near! You wonder why some leader from many decades ago whined about poisoned drinks...I'd dang drink them too if I knew WHO I was going to face!  
**

**But, yeah, I remember...This woman sure could concoct drinks...(NO, NOT IN A PERVERSE MANNER!)**

**So, uh, how did I fall in love with her?! I DIDN'T! And, I was damn glad she woke up to the truth! A paternity test!**

**"HA HA! It's not my baby!"**

**"Which one?"**

**I was ****-faced again. So, I take a swig of some ginger ale, and...**

**BAM! **

**I wake up...AGAIN!**

**It's her AGAIN! Oh, man, was I hoping to go blind one day...**

**So, I "dedicated" my life to self-preservation! I got a doctorate in ANY studies that she didn't get into!**

**And, yet I was ****-faced again!**

**Some smarmy Minerva-wannabe would smile and grin, cheering, "Oh, I just KNEW opposites attract!!! You're going to have SOOOO much fun studying together..."**

**WTF? I finally realized that the university I selected had not ONLY dental doctorates, but FDA doctorates! For those who forgot, Food & DRUG Administration = FDA! WTF?!!!!!! As if I didn't test her material enough as was...**

**So, how did I fall in love, and marry?! Oh, way after she died, but let's rewind to my misery alongside her. (You wonder why Neville liked drinking cactus juice...)**

**Anyhow, the Abbotts and the Weasleys had an agreement: One person per coupling. I agreed to that...until I realized there was only one female unmarried Abbott. You WONDER that.**

**Okay, well...Let me tell you about the night it all happened!**

**"WHAT, she DIED?!"**

**No, not yet, so...To be continued....**


End file.
